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August 7th, 2010

10:22 pm: My new happy place
So tonight dad left a message saying he wanted to talk. And I haven't been doing well lately. Crying a lot at work. Depression's coming back. And this just kinda pushed me over the edge. And for some reason I start thinking of when we were robbed at Towering Oak, when they brought me into the basement and had me lie on the floor. And I knew they were going to shoot me. Which at the time wasn't scary at all, because there was nothing I could do about it. It was probably the first time in my life I wasn't afraid of anything. And I'm thinking about this for a few hours. It actually made work bearable. I was just in this heavy fog. Lying there on the basement floor about to die, everything just seemed so clear. Life was easy. It's funny how this has become a pleasant memory. But I'm not sure it's really a good thing to be going there to escape. I'll ask Ann about it. ... mah.

May 27th, 2010

03:55 pm: Fuck drug reps
I'm gonna buy $300 worth of party platters for a doctor's office for lunch because bribing them with cash would be unethical. The guy who delivers it can't write prescriptions though, so I'm gonna act like a douchebag to him and keep him waiting for an hour and then not tip him. Because that would be an unnecessary cost! It's not like I work for a bottomless pit of money that feeds off the suffering of sick people...

May 12th, 2010

08:53 pm: I see all these couples at Chili's... husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, I dunno maybe brother and sister. But about half the tables are just two people. And I can't help but look at them and think, you're all a bunch of phonies. "Oh, look at what a great couple we are, the hunter-protector and his doting woman" like their relationship is so fucking perfect. It's like they're going through the motions of what they think they're supposed to be doing without asking why. What the hell are all of you doing going out to eat together? Would it kill you to eat alone? What the hell is this accomplishing? I just don't get it. What's the point of your silly sitting together holding hands behavior? ... Maybe that doesn't make any sense. I'm not describing it properly. ...

May 1st, 2010

07:40 pm: So the music fest wasn't a total bust. There's about 20 people here and about 30 vendors and drug dealers. I got pretty drunk last night and told mike all about my imaginary friends, he didn't remember much though cuz he was shrooming. Wanted me to try tonight, I'm just not comfortable here though. I wouldn't enjoy it. Though I kinda do want to try them some time. It looks interesting. And tonight the band is pretty cool. But we're not going up and socializing because V's on shrooms now and is too fucked up to be around people. We're just sitting around bored and alone and why are we even here?

And of course I don't have the nerve to go up and meet new people myself. Of course I don't. God fucking damn it.

April 30th, 2010

08:21 pm: Dear LJ
I miss you. And I need you right now.

We're at the Hippie Jam Band Music Festival. If I don't show up on Monday let it be known that Mike, V and I are at the Flower Harvest festival in Fort Ann NY.

I don't think I'm going to do any drugs. Not because I have anything against it; honestly I'd like to experiment and this would be the place to do it. I'm just hoping to get a new job in the next few weeks and that's more important to me than getting a little high this weekend. Eh. We'll see how this goes.

January 2nd, 2010

09:16 pm: So yesterday afternoon I suddenly got lightheaded. I assumed it was because I hadn't eaten anything but more than a day later it's still here. It's like the mental fog from my teenage/early 20s years. I'm calling coworkers by the wrong name, I'm having trouble seeing things, and the voices in my head are louder. And I'm talking to them in public and don't know or care whether anyone notices. It's like the world around me is fading away and I'm retreating inside. And while this used to be pleasant and comforting, right now it's just terrifying. I should probably call my doc. But I feel like I should be able to get out of this myself. It's all in my head after all. I don't know what could have brought it on. What happened yesterday afternoon? I was just at work. Tomorrow I'm gonna play board games with friends. That'll be good for me.

December 15th, 2009

10:26 pm: Friends are awesome. They put things in perspective. Lisa worked at Chili's years ago, and she's back now. I told her I graduated; she says, "I know, I told my mom, she's like 'which one's Stephen?', I said the slightly schizophrenic one, and she remembered you instantly!" Hmm. I don't remember meeting her mom.

Then she relates a story, of one time when I was QA and angrily yelled in Lisa's direction "I told you to shut up!" When she gets defensive, I said "I wasn't talking to you!", even though she was the only one there. Which I also don't remember but it sounds about right. She says, "Remember, you had a Japanese girlfriend, you were going to go to Japan to visit her?" ... so, I guess things could be worse ^_^. ... have been worse.

She says, "Ah, good times... Were those good times?" I said no. I get nostalgic sometimes but I'm glad I'm not there anymore. She says she thought so. For the record Sarah and Yomi are still a major part of my life, I've just learned not to yell at them out loud in public anymore.

And then we talked about my future job options, about how I'm going to program physics engines for video games. With any luck ^_^. ... God, I sure was a lot more interesting back then. Too bad it's all kinda blurry, I gotta learn about these things through embarrassing anecdotes...

03:18 pm: Graduation and stuff
So I haven't updated my LJ in a while. Most of my friends migrated to Facebook and I pretty much have too. But whatever, cross-post. 

Yesterday was my last day of college. I was on top of the world. Driving home, listening to "Wander My Friends" from Battlestar Galactica, laughing and screaming and crying so hard I couldn't see the road. I really never thought this day would come, it seems like I've been in school forever. It was amazing. 

And today I'm back at Chili's, and I'm nobody again. I need to get out of here. So what's next? Go to Japan. Been saying that my whole fucking life, "Go To Japan," like it's something you just do. And do what exactly? Just show up and hope someone gives me a job? I'm getting a bit old to study abroad. Dad said I should find some company hiring someone who speaks Japanese... but honestly I don't speak it well enough to boast about that. It's just a stupid... I don't know. 

Whatever. This is the inevitable crash that comes after any high, and yesterday was pretty much the biggest high of my life. And in that respect the crash really isn't so bad. I need to use this, this frustration I feel about still being at Chili's and channel it. I've got nothing to lose. Yeah I kinda just wandered off and lost my train of thought. This is good. This is the start of the rest of my life. Let's make it good. 

I'm afraid that I get so fixated on things that it stops me from moving. Moving to Japan would be such a monumental undertaking that I get scared and just kind of shut down, forgetting that there's lots of great things I can be doing here in the meantime. Finding a fun job, going on dates. Those are really my two big ones right now. I gotta put myself out there, meet new people. Try new things. Not let the big things distract me from living every day. ... Bah. This is why I don't keep a journal anymore. I end up talking in circles. I guess it's helpful.

And I mean what exactly do I expect to find if I move to Japan for a while? I've always spoke of it like it's this amazing magical thing that will make everything perfect. I'm a shy, awkward loner here where I speak the language. It's just a fantasy, one that real life would never live up to. Honestly I'm not sure where it came from. I'd be alone and scared in Japan. It's a nice place to visit though. ... Goddamn fucking bipolar crashes. Get over this, pull yourself out of it. Stop being afraid of life and get out there and live.   

October 24th, 2009

08:06 pm: Of course the highs never last very long... I need to call my shrink. God dammit, I can't afford this right now.

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