10:26 pm:
Friends are awesome. They put things in perspective. Lisa worked at Chili's years ago, and she's back now. I told her I graduated; she says, "I know, I told my mom, she's like 'which one's Stephen?', I said the slightly schizophrenic one, and she remembered you instantly!" Hmm. I don't remember meeting her mom.
Then she relates a story, of one time when I was QA and angrily yelled in Lisa's direction "I told you to shut up!" When she gets defensive, I said "I wasn't talking to you!", even though she was the only one there. Which I also don't remember but it sounds about right. She says, "Remember, you had a Japanese girlfriend, you were going to go to Japan to visit her?" ... so, I guess things could be worse ^_^. ... have been worse.
She says, "Ah, good times... Were those good times?" I said no. I get nostalgic sometimes but I'm glad I'm not there anymore. She says she thought so. For the record Sarah and Yomi are still a major part of my life, I've just learned not to yell at them out loud in public anymore.
And then we talked about my future job options, about how I'm going to program physics engines for video games. With any luck ^_^. ... God, I sure was a lot more interesting back then. Too bad it's all kinda blurry, I gotta learn about these things through embarrassing anecdotes...
03:18 pm: Graduation and stuff
So I haven't updated my LJ in a while. Most of my friends migrated to Facebook and I pretty much have too. But whatever, cross-post.
Yesterday was my last day of college. I was on top of the world. Driving home, listening to "Wander My Friends" from Battlestar Galactica, laughing and screaming and crying so hard I couldn't see the road. I really never thought this day would come, it seems like I've been in school forever. It was amazing.
And today I'm back at Chili's, and I'm nobody again. I need to get out of here. So what's next? Go to Japan. Been saying that my whole fucking life, "Go To Japan," like it's something you just do. And do what exactly? Just show up and hope someone gives me a job? I'm getting a bit old to study abroad. Dad said I should find some company hiring someone who speaks Japanese... but honestly I don't speak it well enough to boast about that. It's just a stupid... I don't know.
Whatever. This is the inevitable crash that comes after any high, and yesterday was pretty much the biggest high of my life. And in that respect the crash really isn't so bad. I need to use this, this frustration I feel about still being at Chili's and channel it. I've got nothing to lose. Yeah I kinda just wandered off and lost my train of thought. This is good. This is the start of the rest of my life. Let's make it good.
I'm afraid that I get so fixated on things that it stops me from moving. Moving to Japan would be such a monumental undertaking that I get scared and just kind of shut down, forgetting that there's lots of great things I can be doing here in the meantime. Finding a fun job, going on dates. Those are really my two big ones right now. I gotta put myself out there, meet new people. Try new things. Not let the big things distract me from living every day. ... Bah. This is why I don't keep a journal anymore. I end up talking in circles. I guess it's helpful.
And I mean what exactly do I expect to find if I move to Japan for a while? I've always spoke of it like it's this amazing magical thing that will make everything perfect. I'm a shy, awkward loner here where I speak the language. It's just a fantasy, one that real life would never live up to. Honestly I'm not sure where it came from. I'd be alone and scared in Japan. It's a nice place to visit though. ... Goddamn fucking bipolar crashes. Get over this, pull yourself out of it. Stop being afraid of life and get out there and live.
