Baochan

02:50 pm: My Astronomy teacher, Mr. Geller, is amazing. Stereotypical scientist. Thick glasses, pocket protector, squeaky voice, hunched over a beaker of DNA kind of guy. We're talking James Bond-esque mad scientist. Spends all day Doing Science. The kind of guy who can do long division in his head but can't quite tie his own shoes. And the kind of teacher who, if he tells you something once, assumes you learned it and doesn't feel the need to repeat it. Which is exactly how I want to be taught. No pointless repetition of stuff we already learned. I'm absolutely giddy from this class. Learning is so much fun.

My Astronomy Lab professor, on the other hand, is a freaking moron. How this woman managed to pass middle school algebra is a mystery, let alone rise to the rank of professor. The labs are just pointless busy work. And no one even has any idea what we're supposed to turn in, there's just random pointless questions scattered throughout the lab manual, and she won't instruct us. And she says things like, "Sunspots gradually move towards the equator, but no one knows why." I know why. I've been studying astronomy since Monday, and I know why. But she's just the astronomy professor, so. And everyone laughed when she said it. God it made my day. She's just completely clueless.

12:48 am: God dammit Sarah, I don't know what to do with you some days. We've been really good lately, things have been going great. I'm happy, I'm trying new things, I'm finally starting to live my life. And then there's days where you're just overwhelming me with your incessant stressing. What is there to be stressed about? What are you so afraid of? Sometimes I wish you'd just leave me alone and let me be free.

09:56 pm: So I came out to dad or whatever. Just talked about everything. Not knowing if I'm gay, that I've been dealing with it since middle school, issues with masculinity... It went really well. A lot better than I'd hoped. He said that the best thing in life is to have a relationship with someone you truly love. And that male or female, that's all he wanted for me. That he'd be happy either way. And I just vented a lot of the stuff I've been going through lately, stuff I've been going through for years. The brief time I considered being transgendered. Getting up the nerve to go to the gay men's meetup group last week. Going to the strip club and gay bar with Mike. He was really supportive. Apparently he'd considered the possibility, I guess he wasn't blown away. But. yeah. I'm really happy. I feel closer to him than I ever have.

He also suggested I talk to Gail because a few years ago I kind of blew up and blamed her for breaking up mom and dad, and she's still not really sure where we stand. So I sat down just now and told her I can tell that they have a great relationship and that dad's truly happy to be with her and that I'm grateful for that. So now Gail went to bed and dad went to "tuck her in" and they've been talking for like 45 minutes (about me, I'm sure). It's making me a little self-conscious. But whatever. Good results. As long as we keep being open and honest with each other I think things will work out fine. It'll take time, we're still a little rough. But yeah. Good trip.

06:47 pm: I decided that I'm "coming out" to dad tomorrow. Or at least whatever it was I did to mom a few weeks ago. "I'm not sure if I'm gay but I'd like to be able to be honest with you while I find out." With mom I really knew it was going to be no big deal. She actually said, "That's it? That's all you wanted to tell me?" Dad, I'm not so sure what's going to happen. He's not going to kick me out of the house or anything. But I don't think he's going to be happy. We'll see I guess. I'm also not sure if I should have Gail (his wife) around. I guess it would help not having to explain twice, but she was really negative when we were discussing same sex marriage last visit. Citing scripture, "didn't we learn anything from Sodom and Gommorah", all that. Maybe it'd be best to have dad tell her in his own words later. He knows her better than I do. And it really doesn't concern her anyway. ... Yeah, this'll be good. And then I can actually talk about all the exciting stuff going on in my life, actually open up a little. Or Mike and I will be coming home a day early. Either way it'll be a weight off my shoulders.

11:10 pm: I went to thus meetup.com group for Prince William County gay guys. Took me forever to get up the nerve. I was having trouble breathing I was so nervous. But fuck it. I went. I was proud of myself.

And I never found the group. I went around that restuarant to every group of people who wasn't clearly a family with kids and asked. Stayed for an hour. I was pretty disappointed.

So now I'm in dc with my brother, we're going to a bar. I need to get this stress out.

10:27 pm: Capital Pride Parade
Parade was a lot of fun. I've never seen so many drag queens! Just so much positive energy. And so many people! Oh my god there was such a crowd. And I didn't think it'd really last two hours, but it ran over.

There was a group, the 495 Bears, that went by. One of the guys walking around singled me out, pushed through the crowd (I was like 4 rows back) to hand ME (only me) a little foam bear paw with their website on it. I didn't really know what to make of that ^_^. Looking back at it, I'm kind of flattered. I dunno, growing up I've never really identified with being male. Never really saw myself as masculine. I always thought in order to be attractive I had to be female. I gave up on that, but still thought I had to be small, thin, and feminine in order to be attractive in any way. I guess what I really took away from today is that I can be tall, fat, and hairy and still quite a catch. heh.

Then some guy stops right in front of me and stares me down. Grey hair, kind of effeminate.
"Hey, you alone here?"
"Uh.. yeah."
"Well, you're not anymore! You into older guys?"
"... not interested, thanks."
I don't think he said "bitch" as he walked away, but his eyes definitely did. ... It kinda really creeped me out. Before that I was thinking of hitting a gay bar or something (as my plans had changed, I'm not going up to Jersey until tomorrow so I have the night free), apparently there's a drag show at Nellie's. But... I dunno. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that it was almost 9pm and I had forgotten to eat today, which makes any kind of socializing or having fun or trying new things very hard to do. But... I had become increasingly convinced that I'm not gay. The more I experience things like this, and allow myself to actually have sexual fantasies, admit that I'm attracted to people, the more I realize I've just been in denial about my sexuality. I can see myself with a guy, if I found the right person. But I don't think I'm gay. And either way, I don't want just random sex with anonymous strangers. And I'm pretty sure that's mostly what I'm going to find at a bar. I want a relationship. I want love and cuddling and a spiritual connection. Sex can come after that. ... So I just bailed and got some food and came home.

I have applied to a group at meetup.com, a gay men's group in Prince William County. I think that's a lot more my kind of thing. I just don't like bars at all. Hopefully I can get off work to go to that. Though honestly I'm increasingly doubtful that I see myself with a guy. But... it's helpful. By allowing myself to do these kinds of things, I'm allowing myself the fantasy of being sexual, I'm imagining myself going on dates, I can even see guys and girls that I'm attracted to and can admit that I am. It's really been a fantastic experience. Just need to keep at it. I'll figure it all out eventually.

Pictures!

08:01 pm: God, I was a wreck tonight at work. Someone said something that just rubbed me the wrong way and I freaked out. I was about to start screaming and breaking things. But I managed to calm myself down and not get fired. I kinda don't want to talk about it right now. But in a way it was refreshing. It's been like a year since I've had a day where I flipped out and almost got fired. Used to happen a lot. I kinda felt like since I got my medication straightened out I've been kind of an emotionless zombie. Sometimes it takes a breakdown to remind you that that's not true ^_^.

Not sure if people know about the Selene, aka Kaguya (>_<), a Japanese spacecraft that's taking hi-def video of the moon's surface. I just found out about it. The videos are amazing.

11:56 pm: Trying to get my Wii to run bootleg games and I bricked it. Won't even output video anymore. T_T.

edit: Yeah, it's destroyed. I removed the operating system. Only thing to do now is send it in to Nintendo (for $100, assuming they'll even take it) or buy a new one. God dammit. That was so fucking stupid.

02:27 pm: So Ann, my therapist, said that she thinks I'm not asexual, I'm just very sexually repressed. And I totally agree. I'm so damn terrified of admitting I might have any sexual thoughts because I don't want to be seen as a pervert, a creepy male who's only thinking with his dick. So much so that I can barely even admit that I'm male. I'm so deeply ashamed of being a man. But I'm working through it. I'm so, so glad I went to that same sex marriage rally and met Isabel. Because I realized I can be attracted to someone without it being wrong. It wasn't even sexual at all, the kind of relationship I envisioned with her. Just holding hands, cuddling, being physically close, the kind of things you see couples doing. Ann says I need to have more sexual fantasies like that, consensual and loving. I do have some of those, but I tend to lean towards nonconsensual violent control fantasies because that's what gets me off. It's what I've always associated with sex.

It was interesting the other day when Sam came over and asked about my imaginary friends. Which isn't something I talk about often but I have no problem if someone asks, I'm not ashamed of them anymore. I said that Sarah represents sexuality, fear, and shame. And my brother says that's a strange combination. Which kind of blew my mind that anyone would think that strange. Ann said it was a pretty significant statement too. I kind of assumed everyone had sex, fear, and shame all linked together as the same basic emotion. It never even occurred to me that there might be a different way. And I guess it's good that Sarah is playing an ever smaller role in my life. She'll always be there. But she's not nearly as active as she used to be.

10:36 am: My Mythology teacher is a fucking idiot. He absolutely refuses to talk about anything sexual. He dances around the subject, won't use the words "penis" or "castration" or discuss sexual intercourse in any way, instead just dancing around the subject acting all bashful and ashamed and saying we should never talk about this outside of the classroom because it's all so sinful and wicked and our parents would be ashamed if they knew we were talking about this. And Greek mythology is ALL FUCKING SEX. So it's completely impossible to follow what he's talking about because he takes 30 seconds to use euphemisms to try and avoid describing two gods having children. We're adults here, it's a college course, you can use the word "penis" in an educational setting for god's sake. Half the time I have no idea what he's trying to avoid describing. Aphrodite came from Uranus' semen. Wikipedia had to teach me this because our teacher refused to use the word. Fucking idiot.

08:36 pm: My mom's family is having a family get-together in two weeks. Which happens to be the same weekend as the DC Gay Pride Parade and festival. Which I was really looking forward to. ... I'm torn.

02:57 pm: Alright. This has had me giggling like an idiot for about 15 minutes now, I figured I had to share.



Also, first episode of Star Trek (the original series) really dives right in. No explanation of who these people are, why they're flying through space, or why we should care. I get the feeling it has that kinda of "timeless" thing going on, where you can watch any episode in any order and it fits right in. Edit: No, that can't be it, because Kirk isn't in command yet. I think it's just poorly made ^_^.

Also I found a stash of Ico pictures and it's making me sad and nostalgic. I need to go shoot things.

03:59 pm: Watching "Left Behind"
which I picked up at a yard sale for $1. It's God Awful, pun intended. First they set up that the Jews are trying to create a universal world currency to aid the Antichrist somehow. Then they'll cause the Children of Allah to starve so that they'd want peace or something. It all makes perfect sense!

Then Jesus came and took all the good Christians up to the nudist colony in heaven (which is ironic, as I imagine nudists were actually Left Behind. Cuz being naked is a sin). The children were all take too, for some reason. Even children of athiests and heathens. I guess Jesus considers you Christian until proven guilty? But if you haven't given yourself to Him by your 18th birthday, you're screwed. Seems a little arbitrary but I guess who can know His reasoning, right?

Then everyone started finding Jesus (alas, too late) and sharing it with the audience and I kinda tuned out and started downloading porn.

Apparently it was all about money. Damn Jews.

And all it takes is quoting a few bible verses to change people's minds and give themselves over to God. These people honestly believe the world works like this. All you need to do is keep preaching your selective reading of the bible and you'll save everyone. ... from the Jews with their money. ... sigh. I'm surprised there weren't more gays left behind. I imagine without all those bible beaters it would usher in a gay paradise where everyone could just live in peace and the semen flows like wine. The Jews would be free of persecution, the Muslims would have no one to kill, it would literally be paradise on Earth.

God, and then it ended in a "To Be Continued"! Arrrgh! Why do I subject myself to this crap?

07:07 pm: So I "came out" to Mom, more or less. She asked where I was yesterday and I said a same-sex marriage protest, but glossed over it by saying I met a girl there. But I decided, no more glossing over details. So I sat down and just told her what was up. That I don't know what I am, that it's been an issue for most of my life, that it's really important to me lately, that I'd like her support and to be able to be honest with her. And of course she was totally understanding. Then she says, "Is that all you wanted to tell me? That's it?" Totally no big deal. So yeah, good outcome. It's been a good couple of days.

11:24 am:

11:23 am: Protest pictures
It was dark and rainy so they're blurry. God it was such a blast.

11:39 pm: Isabel
So after the speakers everyone was just milling around, I wanted to introduce myself to at least one other person. Saw a girl walking around alone and walked up to her. Her name was Isabel. And she was sooooo cute! I completely fell in love. She was clearly transgender. Tall, glasses, ponytails. I've only had one crush on anyone in my life, and Isabel would be my second. It was an amazing feeling. I was bumbling and at a loss for words but I feel awesome and sad at the same time. I just talked a bit and then excused myself, and was kicking myself for not saying more. Then they tried to organize a march on the White House and she went over, and so I followed as well (I was pathetic ^_^). There were only like 3 people going, it was pretty sad. They marched around trying to get more followers and she dropped out and I followed like a sad puppy. And tried talking with her again. I asked if she had a Facebook or email or something, she said she didn't. I think I came on a little strong. Though she said she'd be at some of the Capital Pride events this month? Which I need to look into.

Uh, in any case, Isabel, it's me Stephen, Steve? We talked at the D.C. Prop 8 protest rally? If you're looking for me I'd like to get to know you better? ... Yeah, I'm never gonna see her again. Damn, I fell hard. Crushes are awesome.

11:35 pm: What do we want? EQUALITY! When do we want it? NOW!!
8:12pm
On the way to the Prop 8 protest in DC. On the metro, talking with some old guy about all kinds of stuff for half an hour. History of Manassas, immigration, same sex marriage, the economy, terrorists. It was interesting. He knew all about the history of the Metro and which stops were safe and which weren't. I thought he was going to mug me ^_^.

I'm nervous but excited. If never been to a protest rally before. What do you do? Just stand sound holding signs until you get bored and go home?


11:30pm
Oh my god you guys, it was incredible. I had such a good time. It was just so much positive energy, people chanting, holding signs, all there in love and support... It was a phenomenal experience. They got a bunch of people to speak; a city counselman, several clergymen, women's organizations. It was all just so positive and optimistic. And there were like 200 people there! It was amazing!

I went up and introduced myself to a few people, as I didn't know anyone there. First guy ran off, but I was undeterred. Talked with Mike, an older guy from DC who has a civil union from California. And afterward talked with a girl named Isabel. More on that later.

God, it was fantastic though. Apparently they're having Capital Pride events all month, I definitely want to do this again. And I also felt kind of... called to action? To take steps towards equality and acceptance. And a major step is coming out. Whatever I come out as. Just as someone who's questioning his sexuality and that this is an important issue to. Let my friends and family know. I'm going to tell mom that I went to this. Maybe mention it on Facebook. Dad I'll probably wait on ^_^.

Looking back, I have no idea what I was so afraid of. It was just such a positive experience. I'm so glad I went. Oh, and I'll probably be in some news feeds. Lemme know if you see me ^_~.

06:22 pm: Dammit. I think I'm gonna go. What could it hurt, right?

Honestly, I'm mostly just afraid. And I don't even know what I'm afraid of. It's an unknown. I have no idea what's going to happen. But I'm sick of being afraid. I wish I had someone to go with though. Yeah. I'm going protesting. I should make a sign.

04:04 pm: So the California supreme court ruled today that Prop 8 was perfectly fine and legal. The voter-elected constitutional amendment that made same-sex marriage illegal last year. And there's all these protests being held by pro-LGBT rights groups. Including one tonight in DC. And while I kinda want to go, just to be a part of the movement and get more involved in this kind of thing... I dunno. The court wasn't ruling that same-sex couples shouldn't have rights. It just ruled that the amendment was constitutional. Everyone's making a big deal out of it, like it's some big turning point for same-sex marriage. But it's not. It's just saying that the people have the right to amend their constitution. I'm not going to go protest the court doing their job. In another state. ... eh. I hope things don't turn violent. That's the last thing the LGBTQ movement needs. We need to work to change people's minds so that this kind of thing won't pass by popular vote in the future. By coming out to friends and family, letting people know that we're just normal people who want to live their lives.

... I'm not sure when I started grouping myself into the LGBT community, using "we". It was pretty recently. I want to start dating. I need to get on making a profile on some dating site. Maybe I'll do that tonight instead of protesting the judicial system doing what they're supposed to do. Something productive.