You Belong

baochan @ 2009-12-15T22:26:00

2009-12-16T03:26:36Z

Friends are awesome. They put things in perspective. Lisa worked at Chili's years ago, and she's back now. I told her I graduated; she says, "I know, I told my mom, she's like 'which one's Stephen?', I said the slightly schizophrenic one, and she remembered you instantly!" Hmm. I don't remember meeting her mom.

Then she relates a story, of one time when I was QA and angrily yelled in Lisa's direction "I told you to shut up!" When she gets defensive, I said "I wasn't talking to you!", even though she was the only one there. Which I also don't remember but it sounds about right. She says, "Remember, you had a Japanese girlfriend, you were going to go to Japan to visit her?" ... so, I guess things could be worse ^_^. ... have been worse.

She says, "Ah, good times... Were those good times?" I said no. I get nostalgic sometimes but I'm glad I'm not there anymore. She says she thought so. For the record Sarah and Yomi are still a major part of my life, I've just learned not to yell at them out loud in public anymore.

And then we talked about my future job options, about how I'm going to program physics engines for video games. With any luck ^_^. ... God, I sure was a lot more interesting back then. Too bad it's all kinda blurry, I gotta learn about these things through embarrassing anecdotes...

Graduation and stuff

2009-12-15T20:19:05Z

So I haven't updated my LJ in a while. Most of my friends migrated to Facebook and I pretty much have too. But whatever, cross-post.

Yesterday was my last day of college. I was on top of the world. Driving home, listening to "Wander My Friends" from Battlestar Galactica, laughing and screaming and crying so hard I couldn't see the road. I really never thought this day would come, it seems like I've been in school forever. It was amazing.

And today I'm back at Chili's, and I'm nobody again. I need to get out of here. So what's next? Go to Japan. Been saying that my whole fucking life, "Go To Japan," like it's something you just do. And do what exactly? Just show up and hope someone gives me a job? I'm getting a bit old to study abroad. Dad said I should find some company hiring someone who speaks Japanese... but honestly I don't speak it well enough to boast about that. It's just a stupid... I don't know.

Whatever. This is the inevitable crash that comes after any high, and yesterday was pretty much the biggest high of my life. And in that respect the crash really isn't so bad. I need to use this, this frustration I feel about still being at Chili's and channel it. I've got nothing to lose. Yeah I kinda just wandered off and lost my train of thought. This is good. This is the start of the rest of my life. Let's make it good.

I'm afraid that I get so fixated on things that it stops me from moving. Moving to Japan would be such a monumental undertaking that I get scared and just kind of shut down, forgetting that there's lots of great things I can be doing here in the meantime. Finding a fun job, going on dates. Those are really my two big ones right now. I gotta put myself out there, meet new people. Try new things. Not let the big things distract me from living every day. ... Bah. This is why I don't keep a journal anymore. I end up talking in circles. I guess it's helpful.

And I mean what exactly do I expect to find if I move to Japan for a while? I've always spoke of it like it's this amazing magical thing that will make everything perfect. I'm a shy, awkward loner here where I speak the language. It's just a fantasy, one that real life would never live up to. Honestly I'm not sure where it came from. I'd be alone and scared in Japan. It's a nice place to visit though. ... Goddamn fucking bipolar crashes. Get over this, pull yourself out of it. Stop being afraid of life and get out there and live.

baochan @ 2009-10-27T21:50:00

2009-10-28T02:01:24Z

Sarah was freaking out, once again, today. She's been a real nuisance lately. I really don't know what to do. Today she had reverted back to her 14 year old self and was crying about running away to hide under a bridge somewhere. And I'm telling her to calm down, and to go run away I don't care, and I don't know what else... and Yomi says, don't encourage her. And I consider that perhaps by treating Sarah as a real person I'm encouraging her, giving her power over me. And maybe... I don't know exactly. I know she'll never go away. I've resigned myself to that. She'll be a part of me the rest of my life. But maybe I can work on incorporating her into my understanding of myself. Treating her as part of myself rather than a separate entity. ... Which is scary, for some reason. I like having her around. I like being able to rely on her to push my issues off on. But maybe it's time I managed this myself. ... maybe some of it. Ease into it somehow. Allow myself to admit that I'm the one having these thoughts, from time to time. ... just to acknowledge that I can be scared sometimes, that I can be stressed out. To allow myself that. ... It'll come with time. Keep observing.

baochan @ 2009-10-24T20:06:00

2009-10-25T00:08:35Z

Of course the highs never last very long... I need to call my shrink. God dammit, I can't afford this right now.

baochan @ 2009-10-24T16:58:00

2009-10-24T21:00:00Z

Food + free iPhone shootemup games = 110% better. Being bipolar is pretty awesome about half the time. At least I bounce back.

baochan @ 2009-10-24T14:19:00

2009-10-24T18:19:47Z

Fucking bank charged me $130 in overdraft fees. That they know I don't fucking have. I borrowed money from Mike. I picked up a shift this morning to try and make some of it back. Worked four hours, made exactly $10. My first table tipped me a pile of pennies. Now I'm sitting in my car in the rain crying. I don't want to go home. I don't know what to do.

And last night I'm trying to grab a comb, and finger this knife in my car's cup holder, and for a brief second Sarah has a suicide fantasy. I smacked her and talked her down. I know it's just cuz we were playing Silent Hill 2 the other day. But seriously? I thought we were past this kind of shit. And over money. This will work out. Just stay positive. Things were going so well the past few days too. I was gonna ask this girl on a date. Still am but not today. And Soo was bitching about how all men are pigs, and not only did I not flip out and go on Facebook apologizing for being born male again, but I kinda put her in her place. Fucking bitch. Things will work out. Go home, study my Japanese book, that will cheer me up. Stay busy.

Also we're not playing Silent Hill next week. Rhys, bring an xbox controller we're gonna have a multiplayer night.

baochan @ 2009-10-20T22:39:00

2009-10-21T02:46:15Z

Today at Chili's everyone was reminiscing about old Stephen. The Stephen who would flip out and start punching David Carter that one day. Or just snap and start smashing plates on the floor one at a time (Billy said he feared for his life that day ^_^). And while I guess I'm glad that person is more or less behind me, I kind of miss it sometimes. Because I was feeling things so damn passionately. And somehow I felt safe. It was like I wasn't even in the same world that I am now. I guess to other people I still seem like the same person. Though really in my mind it wasn't even Stephen who was doing those things. It was Sarah or Edward or someone. Though even Sarah has calmed down a lot, and doesn't take me over like that very often anymore. And I still try to pretend Ed doesn't exist. But it was so different back then. I existed in this world, but I wasn't aware of it. I was all alone. And there was safety in that isolation. And now that I'm moving past that, letting people into my life, allowing myself to experience things and actually live my life, it's terrifying at times. It's exhausting and stressful and unknown and sometimes I just wish I could go back to when it was just me and Sarah and all my thoughts were contained. And I wanted to die. ... meh. I know things are better, and they're getting better every day. I just kinda needed to get that out.

baochan @ 2009-09-26T22:43:00

2009-09-27T02:50:51Z

Sarah was in a mood today. It's raining, so she's hiding under the underpass of a highway. It's one of her safe places. And for the first time I decided to question why that might be. And actually kinda learned quite a bit about myself and Sarah. And I was going to write this big ranting piece of fiction, which I haven't done in years... but now that I'm home from work I just don't feel like doing anything. Maybe tomorrow.

I also had a fantasy about visiting my psychiatrist, because if Sarah keeps acting up like this I'm probably going to have to call and schedule an appointment next week. And of course the first thing he asks me is, "Any suicidal thoughts?" And I think about it for a minute, and say "no." And he wants to move on, but I say, "no, no, we gotta dwell on this for a minute." Because I'd often say "no" to that question. With my old shrink it was always a lie, simply so he wouldn't throw me in the hospital again. And even with Dr. Foster, who I trust completely, sometimes if it was rare (once or twice a week), I'd consider that "no". But this time it's different. It's a genuine, "no, not at all". Even when I was real screwed up a week or two ago. And that kind of just blew my mind. I never thought I'd be totally free of suicidal thoughts. It was really kind of inspiring. Maybe I'm not doing so bad.

Yomi says I shouldn't write this thing about Sarah. That it's not good for me to dwell on, that I should focus on more positive things. And she's usually right. ... We'll see.

baochan @ 2009-09-14T13:47:00

2009-09-14T17:55:57Z

Fujiwara-sensei has no control over the class at all at all and is terrible at explaining things. I guess I don't mind too much since it makes me look really smart compared to everyone else who has no idea what she's talking about.

Talked with my therapist, and I feel a lot better. Like the cloud of depression that's mucking up my thoughts has lifted a little. I think a lot of it is situational, rather than chemical. So I'm not calling my psychiatrist just yet. But I will at the first sign of whatever the hell hit me two days ago.

I'm going to go to bed earlier. Midnight or earlier. And eat regularly. That's first.

And I'm going to be more open at chili's. Open myself up and actually talk about things that are going on in my life and are interesting to me. And see how that goes.

And I'm going to continue trying new things, like this astronomy club and that awesome same sex marriage protest. And try to go with someone. I think Mike will join me, and I know Mark mentioned an interest in the LGBTQ activism stuff. It'll be easier with friends.

And I'm not going to be afraid to ask to be people's friends. Ask for phone numbers, to hang out, that kind of stuff. Come to think of it I should have opened my mouth as I was leaving Japanese class with my classmates. I don't really have anything to do for a few hours. Maybe one of them would have liked to hang out. Next time.

Right now I'm going to find some food and start playing Ganbare Goemon 64. Just because. And Noland mentioned playing a musical instrument made him happy and feel accomplished. I think I might pick the piano back up. Try and find a cheap keyboard.

baochan @ 2009-09-13T15:18:00

2009-09-13T19:19:05Z

Jesus, where did that come from? We need to go to bed earlier.

baochan @ 2009-09-13T02:42:00

2009-09-13T06:46:10Z

Are you ready to fly can you leave the world behind are you ready to fly to get up and reach for the sky

Why do they call it happy hardcore when it always makes me so sad?

I'm ready. I'm ready to fly. Let's go. I've been ready my whole fucking life and it never seems to happen. I have brief moments where I'm not suicidal and then I crash again. Usually it's only for a few weeks. This time I happened to be up for about 3 years, I was almost starting to think maybe this time was different. I can't remember ever being really, genuinely happy. It's like I just settled for being not suicidal, that was enough. For a while I guess. It's not cutting it anymore though. ...

baochan @ 2009-09-13T02:25:00

2009-09-13T06:32:59Z

I just want to feel something passionately. I need something in my life. And now I'm getting all nostalgic for when I was a teenager and was depressed. Because at least I could feel something. But I know that's a lie. Because I'm depressed now. Hell I should know what it feels like by this point. It feels terrible. But there's something about it that's addictive, that makes you think you're better off feeling this way. It's like there's something so important that you just can't put your finger on, it's just out of reach and you feel like if you keep searching you'll find it. But you never do. You just get worse and worse and can't enjoy anything and start thinking of ways to just end it all. I don't know what I need right now though. I need to change something though, I can't go on like this. I need something new in my life. And something involving people. That's a must. ...

There's an astronomy club meeting tomorrow night. I'm thinking of blowing off character making at Rhys' to go. I don't know which one would be better. God dammit I hate this feeling. And yet it feels so comfortable and right. Like I'm on the right track. Even though I know I'm spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do.

baochan @ 2009-09-12T19:26:00

2009-09-12T23:38:49Z

So been a while, LJ. Nice to see you again. Between getting school straightened out, and all my friends migrating to facebook, I've kinda been losing touch. I still like LJ better than facebook though. Cuz there's some things I just can't talk about in front of my family.

For instance, my new favorite pastime is hanging around the translation_request tag at Gelbooru and posting translations for hentai CGs. It sucks that translation notes aren't signed though, so I can't really show off. So I'm bragging here. A few of my favs. Most are not at all safe for work.

Machogirl (this is work-safe and hilarious, and the reason I started posting translations in the first place ^_^)
Yomi/Tomo heart heart.
518 Damage her bored expression just makes me smile.
Takoyaki
Flatchest is flat
Fucky

It's actually a lot of fun and I'm learning a lot (「射精」 = "ejaculation!"). In related news I had to drop one of my classes and I'm taking Japanese 210 instead as a fun class. I missed the first two weeks of class and the teacher doesn't seem to like me. But whatever. I'm learning new things. Trying to stay positive and stay sane. And succeeding for the most part. I don't even know if I still have friends on LJ. I'm probably just talking to myself. But whatever.

edit: Dear Santa (work-safe), bwahaha.

baochan @ 2009-08-19T02:41:00

2009-08-19T06:47:46Z

Damn it Sarah, I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to do to make you calm down and let me sleep. What's so bad in our life right now that you need to be stressing out like this? We're working and making money, we're doing great in school and have two classes left. We've got friends and activities. What more do you want?

I guess I could be trying harder to find a girlfriend. Go on some dates or something. ... I dunno, somehow it feels like everything is the same. Nothing has changed in years. I'm still doing all the same shit, same stupid worries and problems, ... Like what's the point? Why even bother getting up in the morning? I got nothing to show for it. Same old shit. Dammit dammit dammit.

baochan @ 2009-08-10T22:02:00

2009-08-11T02:04:14Z

I've been having all kinds of sexual fantasies lately. Good ones. Consensual, loving, romantic kind of fantasies. With guys and girls. I really think I'm pretty happy considering myself bisexual. Now I just want to experience some of it.

baochan @ 2009-08-07T22:53:00

2009-08-08T03:06:36Z

God, I dunno. I'm at dad's for family vacation. Sitting around the campfire. Everyone's ranting about how Democrats are destroying the country and about what they heard from Fox News this week. And I'm almost starting to believe some of this bullshit and I'm afraid it's going to rub off on me. I just keep my mouth shut.

Then Mike T (my stepbrother or something) is asking what I want to do with my degree. And honestly I haven't really given it that much thought. I say I'd like to make video games. And he's going on and on and fucking on about how I should make a portfolio of self-made games, and what programming languages do I know, and I feel like I'm just so out of the fucking loop. It doesn't help that Mike T is a fucking knowitall prick who always has to be better than everyone in everything. But I'm just feeling like god dammit, I don't want any of this. I just want to be a working stiff. Work hard and make money to get by. I don't want to be the best. I don't want to know everything. I don't want to sit here debating about which bulletin board language is best to make wedding galleries. I just don't care. It's not interesting. I want to learn interesting stuff. I'm looking at the embers in the bonfire and I know why they glow. That's interesting. ... I don't know. I'm in kind of a foul mood. I really don't like dad's family. Any of them. They're all fucking knowitall pricks. I think I'll be glad when this is over. I'm just burying myself in a book every chance I get. I haven't even had a chance to play Guitar Hero yet. I'm afraid to set it up because everyone will want to play it and they'll break my new controllers and I won't get to play and I'll just get more pissed off. Right now I just want to get through this week and get back home.

baochan @ 2009-08-05T15:53:00

2009-08-05T19:54:41Z

Oh my god. This is amazing. You have to watch this.

There Will Be Brawl

baochan @ 2009-08-05T13:04:00

2009-08-05T17:07:55Z

Found a Guitar Hero World Tour bundle at Target on clearance. Game and two wireless controllers for $60. The controllers alone are $50, so that's a pretty good deal, right? I picked it up as a reward to myself for another good semester. Rhys, we'll have to rock out coop next time you're over.

Did pretty well on my final, think I'll get a high B or low A for the class. Now I get a few weeks off! Going down to dad's tomorrow to hang out at the lake and relax.

Edit: the PS3 version dual-wireless combo is selling for $170 at Wal-Mart, so yeah I think I got a pretty good deal! Hell, the game alone is still selling for $50. I think it might've been a mistake. My lucky day I guess!

baochan @ 2009-07-29T18:20:00

2009-07-29T22:24:27Z

"Rule of Rose" is pretty terrible. Which is a shame, it had such potential. The environment is amazing. Most of the game seems to take place on a 1930s airship/blimp. Which is awesome and creepy. But the sound is laughably bad, and literally the worst voiceover work I've ever heard, and I've heard some bad ones. Pacing is a little slow, you're usually walking aimlessly, and combat is completely broken. It's like no one bothered to play test it at all. It literally becomes unplayable around the third chapter, you can't even proceed because you can't kill enemies without taking so much damage you can't recover. I just died and lost about a half hour of aimless walking that I have to repeat, and I don't think I'm going to.

baochan @ 2009-07-22T17:24:00

2009-07-22T21:27:44Z

VNV puts on a hell of a show. I, however, seem to be slipping into a spiral of angst or depression or something. Sarah is completely out of control, and Yomi is back. I thought I was strong enough to get along without her. I'm trying to pull myself out of this though.

baochan @ 2009-07-14T12:23:00

2009-07-14T16:23:21Z

Oh my god. "The core of the sun is made of metal, that's why it's denser than the envelope." This teacher is a moron.

God, she just keeps doing it. She has no idea what she's teaching. So many mistakes. Had I not read the book I'd be so misled right now.

baochan @ 2009-07-13T21:36:00

2009-07-14T01:44:31Z

There was a guy sitting in my section, my last table of the night. He was here from France. God his accent was hot. And it was partly because I thought he was kinda cute, but I wanted to have a conversation. Nothing big, just... I've only had a few conversations with customers before, and always when they start it by asking me about myself. I've never started a conversation. So I'm debating this for about 20 minutes, Sarah's nearly in tears, I sit her down and assure her that a casual conversation with a stranger is nothing to get so worked up about. So finally I asked him what brings him to America. He's selling data management / backup software from Europe. I'm a computer science major. You speak English very well. Ok nice talking with you. That was it. Might not seem like much but it totally made my night. I feel amazing right now. Little victories. Pushing the envelope, doing new things. And every victory makes the next risk a little easier. Yeah, good day.

I've also downloaded Silver Hawks, it's amazing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODm0OjB_dJc . And getting Pirates of Dark Water, Fraggle Rock, Transformers, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Voltron, and basically any awesome 80's animation I get my hands on. If anyone's got any other suggestions I'd love to hear em! And we should totally watch Silverhawks or Voltron some time on our Thursday night group.

baochan @ 2009-07-09T14:50:00

2009-07-09T18:52:18Z

My Astronomy teacher, Mr. Geller, is amazing. Stereotypical scientist. Thick glasses, pocket protector, squeaky voice, hunched over a beaker of DNA kind of guy. We're talking James Bond-esque mad scientist. Spends all day Doing Science. The kind of guy who can do long division in his head but can't quite tie his own shoes. And the kind of teacher who, if he tells you something once, assumes you learned it and doesn't feel the need to repeat it. Which is exactly how I want to be taught. No pointless repetition of stuff we already learned. I'm absolutely giddy from this class. Learning is so much fun.

My Astronomy Lab professor, on the other hand, is a freaking moron. How this woman managed to pass middle school algebra is a mystery, let alone rise to the rank of professor. The labs are just pointless busy work. And no one even has any idea what we're supposed to turn in, there's just random pointless questions scattered throughout the lab manual, and she won't instruct us. And she says things like, "Sunspots gradually move towards the equator, but no one knows why." I know why. I've been studying astronomy since Monday, and I know why. But she's just the astronomy professor, so. And everyone laughed when she said it. God it made my day. She's just completely clueless.

baochan @ 2009-07-04T00:48:00

2009-07-04T04:50:34Z

God dammit Sarah, I don't know what to do with you some days. We've been really good lately, things have been going great. I'm happy, I'm trying new things, I'm finally starting to live my life. And then there's days where you're just overwhelming me with your incessant stressing. What is there to be stressed about? What are you so afraid of? Sometimes I wish you'd just leave me alone and let me be free.

baochan @ 2009-06-24T21:56:00

2009-06-25T02:06:48Z

So I came out to dad or whatever. Just talked about everything. Not knowing if I'm gay, that I've been dealing with it since middle school, issues with masculinity... It went really well. A lot better than I'd hoped. He said that the best thing in life is to have a relationship with someone you truly love. And that male or female, that's all he wanted for me. That he'd be happy either way. And I just vented a lot of the stuff I've been going through lately, stuff I've been going through for years. The brief time I considered being transgendered. Getting up the nerve to go to the gay men's meetup group last week. Going to the strip club and gay bar with Mike. He was really supportive. Apparently he'd considered the possibility, I guess he wasn't blown away. But. yeah. I'm really happy. I feel closer to him than I ever have.

He also suggested I talk to Gail because a few years ago I kind of blew up and blamed her for breaking up mom and dad, and she's still not really sure where we stand. So I sat down just now and told her I can tell that they have a great relationship and that dad's truly happy to be with her and that I'm grateful for that. So now Gail went to bed and dad went to "tuck her in" and they've been talking for like 45 minutes (about me, I'm sure). It's making me a little self-conscious. But whatever. Good results. As long as we keep being open and honest with each other I think things will work out fine. It'll take time, we're still a little rough. But yeah. Good trip.